Grrr...

Okay so I am posting a video on youtube also (look for Paddy Pea - If She Knew) because I am in desperate need of some help.
I am getting so so tired and fed up of always arguing, always putting up with the bucks, the rears and the pain.
Sure equestrian is 'no pain no gain' but it's getting too much. It may not seem i fell off much but its not only the falls that hurt, its every single buck he does.
On the outside it may seem like I have got confidence now and all that but I promise you I haven't. I cry because everyone manages to get something out of their horse when i can't put my leg on or gather the reins without him bucking.
I want to make his work fun and I want to improve our bond but how can I do this?
Can anyone help?

Either comment on the video or if you can comment on this thing?
Thank you xxx